Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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