I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
