first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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