i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You need a sexual gate keeper
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
