just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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