Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
