I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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