Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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