Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
