my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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