My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
