Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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