I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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