I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
