i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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