You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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