come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
