well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
