just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
