I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
