I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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