Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
