did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
