Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
