Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
