just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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