If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
