I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
