I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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