Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
