I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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