i just sent this text using only my big toe
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
