I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
