Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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