u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Text me some of your sweat
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
