Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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