I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
