Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
