I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
