alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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