MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
