your parents love me but you hate me
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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