Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We left the knife in your bed.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
