I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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