APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
