dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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