I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
