at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
