"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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