She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
