and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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